You Do Thumb Thing To Me

In order to improve, we have to evolve. Way back in 1782, a Judge decreed that a husband may continue to beat his wife, as long as the stick with which he administers the castigation is not thicker than his thumb. Some called this political correctness gone mad, but I prefer to think of Judge Buller as a progressive idealist.

Football has also had its fair share of forward thinkers. In 1987, the football league introduced the antidote to dull end-of-season match-ups. It wasn't a time-machine to talk Mrs Mourinho out of that extra glass of wine; but it was the next best thing; the play-offs literally revolutionalised the beautiful game.

With the possible exception of a stag-party in Amsterdam, or a minor operation for the wife, watching the play-off finals is as close to a perfect weekend as you're likely to find. The only way to improve the experience is if a little profit can be made, and as luck would have it, a pearl of a punt has brazenly presented itself in the Championship finale.

If somebody offered you 7/5 on the outcome of a coin-toss, you'd rip their arm off; that's why Jackiey Goody flopped as a bookmaker. Derby are trading at 2.40 on the exchanges to win promotion, even though they're facing a West Brom side who finished a distant eight points behind them in the league. It's time to stand up and bet like a man; I'm asking the wife for a few quid to get on.

Michael Jackson and Robbie Williams should both start for Blackpool against Yeovil; the league one play-off will either be a thriller or a camp useless sorry excuse for entertainment. The red-hot Seasiders are on a nine match winning streak; I'll be getting involved at a balcony-dangling 13/10.

Saying goodbye to the Gay Meadow may sound like a sequel to Brokeback Mountain, but it's a reality for fans of Shrewsbury Town. All Bristol Rovers are interested in is the taming of the Shrews, the Pirates will land the spoils at 7/5.

It's 1/100 that the Scottish FA cup final proves a more entertaining spectacle than the dross served up in the English showpiece. A young lady actually fell asleep in the boozer where I watched the 'action', although that was my fault.

I normally avoid taking an interest in a match with a heavy Scottish contingent; you just can't trust a footballer whose idea of lean cuisine is to lightly dip a Mars bar in a deep-fat fryer. Celtic have lost three of their four matches though, the 10/1 for a Dunfermline upset is sitting on the verge of appealing.

The Republic of Ireland look a great bet in their International friendly. It's been alleged that the Bolivian team are dismayed with this fixture; they were hoping to meet Scotland to get a little bit of business done on the side. Get your green on the Irish at 5/4.

The Welsh are also in action against New Zealand, and somewhat surprisingly, there's not a rugby ball or a nervous farm animal to be seen. The following few words are rarer than a Robbie Savage appearance on QI; Wales should win this match. The 1/2 for a Welsh win is the prize lamb in the paddock.

I asked the wife if there was anything she would change about my body; she said there was just one little thing. Personally, I just want wider thumbs. This week's accer is the actual definition of perfection; Derby, Blackpool, Real Madrid and Seville will all oblige at an impeccable 12/1.

Gab Session- Taking Pleasure In Sports Pain?

I don't know how I feel about the sudden self-righteousness invading sports.

I mean, I was on the Suspend-Pacman-Jones wagon long before it was cool. Kid's a phenomenal talent, and probably deserved to go to the Pro Bowl last year, but he brings the thug life to a whole new level. Same with Chris Henry. And Don Imus has been a curmudgeonly putz for years; it just took five seconds of empty-headed Neanderthal behavior for the world to catch on.

But the unmitigated schadenfreude with which the world has gleefully attacked these stories is positively Anna-Nicole-esque. Have we completely lost our ability to tell a Big Story from a run-of-the-mill, this-guy's-an-a-hole affair? The simple answer is: yes.

So please: some simple requests. No more Don Imus leading the evening news, just as there should be no more Anna Nicole's babydaddy getting cheered by Bahamian hangers-on getting televised. No more press conferences in which the Rutgers University women's hoops team is asked to play media critic. No more self-congratulatory press conferences where Roger Goodell and Gene Upshaw are seen singing "Kumbaya." American culture (and make no mistake, this is all American, through-and-through) needs to take a look at the glee with which it reports stories like this, with overly stern expressions and trembling voices. Pacman Jones and Chris Henry are very sad stories, and I want to hear about them, briefly. I just don't want to know what Mike Golic, Sean Salisbury, Deion Sanders, Bryant Gumbel, Martha Stewart or Triumph the Insult Comic Dog thinks about the implications for the larger trends in society.

Well, actually, wait. I take that back. Triumph, you're pretty funny. Feel free to speak up.

If Tiger Woods had won the Masters, would that have been a bloodbath for the books? And did anyone out there have Zach Johnson?

BoDog Bookmakers, BoDog.com: The books do a good job of line management, so even if Tiger had won, it wouldn't have been too bad. That being said, if Tiger had won, we wouldn't have had nearly as much success we did with a relative unknown like Zach Johnson winning. There actually were a few people who were banking on Zach Johnson. Their foresight or blind luck, whichever you'd prefer calling it, resulted in some huge payouts.

Kevin Durant is headed pro. Do you think he's a true franchise-changing player in the NBA?

BDB, BoDog.com: The 2007 draft will be one of the most talent-laden drafts in recent years. It may not be a repeat of 2003, but it could be very similar to the 1983 draft. Similar to the Jordan-Olajuwon draft in 1983, the choice is between two potential phenoms. Greg Oden is a dominating centre who will anchor a team's middle for years, whereas Kevin Durant will transcend the game altogether. Oden is the safe pick, but so was Olajuwan. Whoever picks Durant is getting not only a franchise-changer but they are getting a kid who will change the game itself. The difference between 2007 and 1983 is that Durant won't slip to the #3 pick.

Just for fun, after about two weeks of the new MLB season, who are your AL and NL MVPs?

BDB, BoDog.com: The easy choice for AL MVP is Alex Rodriguez. Scott Boras has all but guaranteed his client will opt out and look for an even bigger contract next year. Alex Rodriguez plus Boras plus a contract year will add up to some ridiculous numbers. In the NL, Florida's Miguel Cabrera has been knocking on the door of superstardom for a couple of seasons now. The Marlins' success is directly tied to Miguel Cabrera's performance.

Here come the NHL playoffs, and some very interesting storylines. The first series ever for Atlanta. Sidney Crosby with a legit chance to do some damage. Nashville as an incredibly scary #4. Who do you think winds up in the Cup finals this year?

BDB, BoDog.com: Looking at all of the match-ups, the one I find most intriguing is the Sens and Penguins, as both teams have enough firepower to give the goalies nightmares. The series features five of the top 18 regular-season point-getters. Sidney Crosby will be in his first of what will be many more playoffs, and he'll definitely put on a show. I think the young Penguins, along with the Senators' old nemesis Gary Roberts, will take this series right down to the wire. If the Penguins can squeeze past the first round, Crosby could cement himself as "The Next One" by leading his Penguins to the finals. Nashville is an incredibly scary #4, but does Forsberg's body have one more playoff run in him? I think Joe Thornton will be the player to watch in this series. Lastly, the odds say that the Cup finals should be Buffalo Sabres vs. Detroit Red Wings, but Calgary, who underperformed all year, could derail those plans early if they manage to step up their road game.